An Untitled Adventure Starring Captain Grey Again (oceanseight) wrote in bhamnano,
An Untitled Adventure Starring Captain Grey Again


I made this dare in the Historical Fiction forum on the boards, but I figure I should make it for you guys as well:
Put The Aristocrats in your novel. Bonus points if you actually write it so it ties into the plot somehow.
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Man, I wish I weren't writing a children's novel this year...
If you make it "The Aristocats" I will forgive you.

Who or what is/are The Aristocrats?
Worst joke ever. There's a great documentary out about it; worth seeing.
Uh, you mean GREATEST joke ever.
That's what I meant by worst...
Well, it didn't fit in this year's nano, but I was totally stuck and needed a distraction that wouldn't break my writing stride the other day... so here's what WOULD have been my Aristocrats scene...


Lenny looked at his watch. His three o'clock appointment was a few minutes late. He ruffled through the papers on his desk. He was sick of all the unimaginative, derivative bullshit he saw every day, but as a talent scout for the Vegas hotel circuit it was par for the course.

The intercom buzzed. "Your three o'clock is here," said the receptionist.

"Let him in," said Lenny.

A mousy-looking man in a wrinkled suit walked in nervously. He looked a bit out of breath. "Sorry I'm late; the elevator was out."

"Take a seat," said Lenny, rubbing his temples. "So, what's your act?"

"It's a family act," said the man.

A family act, thought Lenny. Great. Nobody wants a family act in this day and age. But he had nothing else on his plate for the next half hour, so he let the man go on.

"So first my wife and I come out on stage. We're each wearing flimsy bathrobes, and nothing else. So I drop my bathrobe, and she drops hers. Now keep in mind, my wife isn't much of a looker; this is more about humor than titulation.

"So she lies down on the stage, and I proceed to fuck her right there, in front of the dinner crowd. And of course, the fucking is humorously exagerated, with the wife making all sorts of silly noises and stuff. So I finish, pull out, and squat over my wife and proceed to take a huge crap right in her crotch. That's when Rudy, our four-year-old Alsatian comes on stage.

"Now, at this point there's something I have to explain about the preparation. Before the show I take the biggest shit I can, and then with a device similar to an enema but with a much wider nozzle I force the contents of a can of wet dog food -- warmed to room temperature, of course -- into my colon. So of course Rudy runs right up and starts eating the steaming load I just left on stage. So you and I know it's liver Alpo, but as far as the audience is concerned this German Shepard is eating my shit and semen out of my wife's cooter."

Lenny tried to interject, but by now the man was in the groove, and there was no stopping him.

"So now my 11-year-old daughter comes out on stage. She's all hopped up on all sorts of drugs, and she hasn't got a stitch on except for a studded leather collar.

"At this point, she gets on her hands and knees, and the dog is trained to mount her and give her the business.

"So while my pre-pubescent daughter's getting fucked by the dog I step back stage and get a chain, and start hitting my wife with it. Nothing too hard; she needs to be in good enough shape for the next show. But there's plenty of blood; gotta give the audience what they want."

It went on like this for hours, and when the man finally stopped, a silence fell over the room. Lenny finally broke this silence. "So," he said, in a shocked voice. "What do you call this... show?"

The man's face broke into a grin. "I call it... The Aristocrats!" he said, with a flourish.

There was a long pause.

"I don't get it."
And "room temperature" was meant to be body temperature; who edits this stuff? (oh yeah, no one)